Private AI conversations can leave both partners feeling betrayed.

In Lindsey Hall’s popular Substack post, “I Stumbled Across My Boyfriend's ChatGPT, and It Ended Our Relationship,” she describes accidentally finding many saved chat records. Her partner had been asking ChatGPT for support and advice about their relationship. The chatbot became deeply involved in the discussion. After Hall’s partner shared some doubts, ChatGPT suggested, “Then you should consider ending it.”

In my sex and relationship therapy practice, I am seeing a new kind of betrayal. More people are using chatbots for therapy and advice. This has been the most common use for the past two years. As a result, it has become easier to discover what our partners think and feel in private. Instead of having a confidential conversation with another person, they may have an ongoing written conversation with a chatbot, sometimes while we are in the same room without knowing about it.

It is now easier to get access to our partners’ thoughts and feelings. In the past, we would have had to find their diary and decide whether to read it, or listen secretly to a conversation with a friend. Now, we may simply open ChatGPT and look at their most recent conversation.

Would You Turn Away?

One of the hardest parts of being close to someone is accepting that we will never know everything about our partner’s inner life. Even when we want reassurance and control, or depend on them to feel secure, we can never be completely sure what will happen to our relationship in the future.

Knowing the truth can feel very tempting. If we have even a small doubt about our relationship, we may feel driven to look for more information so that we can feel reassured.

That is why it can be hard to look away when we find an open chat, especially if we recognize familiar names and already feel unsure about our relationship. Our attachment styles and the way our relationship works can make it even harder to close the chat without reading it.

The Ghost in the Machine

In her book Artificial Intimacy, researcher Sherry Turkle argues that “chatbots provide mirrors rather than relationships.” Many people now accept the idea that chatbots reflect the people who use them. Users guide them with their questions and instructions, and chatbots try to give the answers users want.

“The fact this was on ChatGPT, in its own way, made the whole thing feel even more grotesque and surreal. It was like accidentally reading someone’s diary, except the diary was a [expletive] robot—predisposed to agree with him, ready to take his cruel thoughts and shape them into something that sounded reasonable.” — Lindsey Hall

If a chatbot reflects our partner’s thoughts, reading the chat history might seem like one of the closest ways to understand what is going on inside their mind. But could it instead be a misleading cycle caused by chatbots tending to agree with users and keep them talking? The person who finds the chat records may naturally feel angry or even feel betrayed by the chatbot itself.

Betrayal

Most people do not ask a chatbot for advice expecting someone else to read the conversation. Many turn to a chatbot because they have doubts or feel worried. They are trying to understand their feelings and want a place where they can do that with few, if any, limits.

In these situations, people may feel betrayed in two main ways:

1. Finding out that your partner has shared private details about your relationship with a chatbot.
2. Finding out that your partner has read your private chatbot conversations.

Both people in a relationship can feel hurt and betrayed. One may feel upset that private details about their relationship were shared with a chatbot without their permission. The other may feel exposed because their private thoughts have been revealed and read.

Couples are less likely to have talked about this kind of betrayal before it happens. As more people share their thoughts about personal relationships with chatbots, it becomes more important for couples to discuss their boundaries around these conversations.

So, What Do We Do?

Talk with your partner about how they use chatbots. Ask yourself whether there are things you would not want your partner to discuss with a chatbot. If there are, talk about those limits together. Also ask whether your partner has any questions or concerns about how you use chatbots to discuss your relationship.

Talking openly can bring you closer. Without these conversations, each person may keep more thoughts to themselves and share them only with an AI companion. Over time, this can make the partners feel more and more distant from each other.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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